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Finding a Real Job

12
May 2009

I write for a living. It’s an occupation that can make it hard to convincingly complain about a stressful day. I’ve tried. The results have been mixed, but in general, most are unimpressed.

At the end of a challenging day, I somehow find the strength to put a meal together for my family about an hour or so late. The kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes and the counter is crowded.

At this point, my husband will walk in and be astounded dinner isn’t ready and waiting.

“What did you do today?” he’ll ask, clearly baffled as he looks around at all of the evidence that shows what I didn’t do today.

“I worked,” I’ll say.

“So you decided to get a real job did you?”

According to my husband, I’ve never had a “real job.”

I don’t get my hands dirty enough. I don’t use enough muscles. The only time my work causes me to sweat is a hot day in July when the air conditioning isn’t working.

But, he will admit, that he thinks it’s great how I’ve conned people into paying me for not really working.

Now, I don’t want to upset anyone like my mother (Hi, Mom!). My husband does know that I write and he is proud of what I do. He knows he could never do it. He just doesn’t understand how it can tire me out. After all, I’m just sitting in a chair in front of a computer. How many calories can I burn doing that?

He isn’t the only one that doesn’t understand. As I sit in my office struggling to find the right way to string the words, I’m interrupted. My mother is astounded when she calls and I’m not very talkative. “Are you typing?” she’ll ask. “You didn’t hear a word I said did you?” “Of course I did. What did you say?” You see I have trouble carrying on a conversation when my words are finally coming together. Some days she quickly realizes this. Others, she talks on and on for minutes and the conversation ends with me being hard pressed to say what she told me. (Sorry, Mom.)

My children have also found themselves victims of my distracted writing self. As I type, they come up to my side to ask for requests. They are often answered by “no” and “leave me alone.” But they are young, so they persist. Recently, my oldest daughter did this. She came to my office with a simple request for paper. I brushed her off, but eventually I coughed up the paper with the hopes to distract her long enough that I could finish the article I was working on. It didn’t work. She came back, asking me to fold the paper. I launched into a lecture about respect and writing while I folded the paper in half. “Thanks Mom,” she said, ignoring my lecture. “Can you staple it too? Three times.” So, I sigh quietly as I staple the sides of the paper and hand it back to her.

“Now go,” I say, shooing her out of my office. “I’m working.”

She goes. She leaves me alone for a half hour before she finally returns with a smile on her face spreading from ear to ear.

“Mom, Mom,” she yells excitedly in my ear.

I grumble as I look away from my article. Looked way from the words that are still struggling to be formed on the screen.

“I wrote a book about a giant mouse and a little cat. Want to read it?”

I take the finished book from her. Even the graphics are done. OK, so they are drawings by a almost 7-year-old, but they aren’t bad.

“The Big Mouse that Ate the Little Cat” by Autumn Sherwood. I read the book to her.

She asks if I’m done with mine. No. Not yet. It seems others can write and publish complete books quicker than I can write an article.

She shrugs her shoulders and runs off to write another book.

I stare back at my computer screen and my half-finished article. My eyes slide over to her completed book sitting accusingly on my desk.

How am I ever going to convince my family that writing really is tough stuff?

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Networking on the Net

12
May 2009

By Linda Sherwood and Teri Brown

It’s finished, but not quite right. Unsure of what the problem is, Linda passes it to her writing partner, Teri, to take a look. After looking it over, Teri passes it back with a few suggestions. A pretty normal day at the office for most, but Teri and Linda are separated by over 2,000 miles. They work “side by side” in a virtual office with the help of the Internet.

Teri and Linda met in an online community for new and beginning writers. By becoming partners, the solitary life of the writer was history. Linda may be writing her weekly newspaper articles while Teri is writing a chapter in her fiction novel, but neither is alone in their work. Teri can stop and ask Linda how to spell a word and Linda can ask Teri for input on a tough lead.

Email and instant messages allow us to work together even when working on individual projects. The relationship has helped us to achieve even more than we could do alone. One example is this article, which began as the brainchild of one of us, although we aren’t exactly sure which one of us anymore. In forming writing partnerships, we’ve found the best thing to look for is someone opposite you in terms of writing abilities, but similar in other ways.

In our case, it’s Teri who develops the idea or the dialogue and Linda who puts the commas and periods in their proper places. For Joy Thomas and Karen Hertzberg the ability to utilize one anothers talents can account for a large part of their success in their efforts to create Coffee House for Writers, an online community for writers.

While the idea for Coffee House for Writers originated with Karen, who is the editor of the site, Joy plays an integral part of the operation. The pair teamed up in 1998 when Joy volunteered to moderate a workshop for Karen. This year, Joy became articles editor at the Web site and began to work on its newsletter, Fiction Fix.

“By taking over the content side of the newsletter, I freed Karen up to do some great marketing work on behalf of Fiction Fix, and as a result, our subscriber rate has doubled,” said Joy. “Our joint work on Fiction Fix really showcases how an Internet partnership can flourish.”

While finding someone who complements your writing style is a great goal when developing writing partnerships, sometimes you just get lucky. When Helen Hegener, editor of Home Education Magazine, needed an articles editor she didn’t have to look very far. Kim O’Hara, a contributor to the magazine, was only a click away.

“We worked on a few things for a year or two, and I was impressed with her obvious ability and sparkling personality – which comes through even via email!” said Helen about how Kim began her job as articles editor for HEM, a monthly print magazine for homeschoolers. “I think mostly through she was the right person, in the right place at the right time, when we needed a good articles editor.”

Though separated by miles they have formed a working relationship that is both efficient and successful. Even after a year, both prefer working via e-mail then actually having a side by side relationship. As Kim puts it, “It allows near-instant transmission, receipt upon the convenience of the recipient, a record of what was sent, and a way of copying the previous correspondence and responding to relevant pieces as needed.”

Though Kim and Helen have never had any trouble in their working relationship, Helen admits that she has seen problems develop in other collaborations. “I’ve known many relationships between other people trying to work together online which just didn’t workout, often resulting in harsh words and hurt feelings. Usually one partner or the other isn’t openly communicative, which leads to misunderstandings. One really must be clear about needs and expectations when email is your only tool for communication.”

Collaborating online offers greater flexibility for writers and more efficient use of time than many face-to-face collaborations. Despite living just four hours apart, Angela Adair-Hoy and M.J. Rose chose to do most of their work online rather than in person when writing their book, Secrets of our Success.
“Online collaboration is much faster,” said Angela. “Our book took only five weeks to write. If we were meeting to get it written, this would have taken much longer.”

M.J. agrees. “In the past, I have collaborated with several people on screenplays and found it a difficult process. Sitting in a room with a computer, one of us got to talk, the other to write. It was never fair.”

While online relationships like these are bound to become more common place, sometimes there is no substitute for a real phone conversation. No one understands the high excitement of an acceptance better than another writer. Be sure to pick up the phone and share your joys and triumphs the old-fashioned way. In the end, it will make your online relationship that much stronger.

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Birthday 'Buy Me'

12
May 2009

As my daughter’s seventh birthday approached, I thought I’d get a head start on my shopping by asking her what she’d like. She quickly responded, “a CD player,” but she wasn’t done. She continued with a very lengthy list that included a VCR, television, telephone, at least 10 CDs, a few movies, and the latest Sega game. If I had given her everything on her list, I would have spent over $600.

Was it really just a few years ago that she would get excited every time I dressed her in the clothes she’d received as gifts from her Aunt Lesley? I thought I had a truly special child who could understand it was the person and not the present that mattered. I hadn’t noticed she’d changed and become so materialistic.

I’d ignored her comments as we wandered through stores. She’d see something she liked and would say, “I can get that for my birthday.” I’d laugh and remind her that the birthday in question was 11 months away. I forgot the comments, but she didn’t. As her birthday approached, she prepared for the haul of a lifetime.

For her, a year’s worth of put-off purchases were due — and she planned on collecting. As soon as I realized how large her list was, I made it clear she wouldn’t be receiving it all. My husband balked at her list because it didn’t even include toys — and she is, despite her 7-year-old protests, just a child.

Children or Consumers?
To retailers, she’s been a prime target for years, so I shouldn’t be surprised that the ads she sees are taking their toll. And it isn’t just my daughter who is being unduly influenced.

Studies have shown that children younger than 12 influence a third of the big-ticket items purchased by adults. That includes what vacation to take, which stereo to buy, and even what car to drive. So is it any wonder our children try so hard to influence us to make big birthday buys?

“It’s a simple equation,” says Elizabeth Pantley, mother of four and author of Perfect Parenting: The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips. “Take lots of exciting TV commercials and add a peek at a friend’s prized possessions. Multiply the result by attractive store displays. Sprinkle liberally with a child’s natural desires, and the result is `The Gimmes.’”

When Candace Priore’s son turned 11 last year, his birthday wish list included “a Nintendo 64, a stereo, a TV for his room and lots of other things,” recalls Priore. “He got the Nintendo and a couple of games from us, but that was it. He was OK with that because he knew he had no chance of getting a TV and DVD player for his room. He tried though,” she says.

Children will definitely try to get as much loot as they can on their special day, but it is up to the parents to set the limits.

“Our most important part of raising our children is not to make our children happy,” Pantley says. “It’s to make them into responsible adults. Part of that process is teaching them about life.”

Pantley suggests staying away from phrases such as, “We can’t afford that,” when telling a child he can’t have a certain gift. “The message is that if you could, you’d buy those $200 shoes,” Pantley says. The message should be that $200 shoes aren’t necessary when $30 shoes work just as well.

Preparing for Battle
Parents can prevent a bout of the “Birthday Buy Mes” by taking steps long before the birthday arrives. When your child indicates he wants something while shopping, pull out a notebook and mark it down on a “wish list”. Instead of telling your child she can’t have it, ask them about her preferences. Make it clear that you will use the wish list when you go birthday shopping, but that not all wishes will be fulfilled.

Children don’t always know what they want for their birthday, so Pantley suggests parents don’t ask. “Parents usually know what their kids want better than they do,” she says. “What do they spend their time with most now? What really sparks their attention?”

Hannah Hayes uses this method when shopping for her 6-year-old son’s birthday gift. “I usually have an idea of what he wants, and I suggest it,” Hayes says. “If he wants something badly, I’ll suggest he ask for it for his birthday. He gets to ask for one gift — we don’t do lists.”

Party Time Prevention
Even if a parent has managed to limit their own present purchase for the birthday gal, it can be a little harder to rein in generous grandparents and friends. One way to limit the loot is with the party planning. Start early by limiting the guest list.

“This year, we had 16 children and everything went fine, but I warned my son, from here on out we are limiting it to seven or eight,” Hayes says. “He’s had a tough time at school, and most of his friends are in another class, so I let the guest list get out of hand.”

Hayes says she felt the number of presents her son received was absurd — and overindulgent.
“Don’t have a party every cotton-picking year,” suggests Valerie Botbyl, mother of a teenage son. “Party for the big ones. Not having a party every year also helps them not expect a boatload of presents. I’ve been to too many parties with hoards of screaming little kids, only to leave the birthday mom in tatters and no one to help her clean up.”

You may even want to have your child choose a present or a party rather than giving both. “In our family, the birthday party is the present they get from Mom and Dad,” Pantley says. “Let them know how much you’re spending to help them understand the value of each part and each piece. Explain the pizza costs $30, which is three months of their allowance.”

Focus on Family and Friends
When it comes time for the party, whether it is a blowout affair or a small family gathering, help your child cope with the excitement by discussing the meaning of the day.

Hannah Hayes starts talking to her son long before the party starts. She explains birthdays are a time of celebrating a life and not about presents. It’s a concept she knows her son will learn over time, and not in ne day.

“I always suggest parents talk to their child before the party begins,” Pantley says. “Rehearse how a child should respond after a gift is opened.” She recommends covering all the bases, such as rehearsing reactions when your child doesn’t like a gift, or already has it.

For the party, don’t make presents the main attraction. Instead, focus the celebration on the people and the joy of being together. Put the focus elsewhere by creating a special ritual, such as marking the child’s annual growth or making a special meal.

“Find different ways to lavish attention on the child without it always being centered on the presents,” Pantley suggests. When it comes time to open the gifts, sit down next to your child. That way you can help encourage them to make appropriate comments.

“I think it’s a learning experience,” Hayes says. “Kids naturally love presents and the attention, and they learn to expect it and they get worked up about it. Parents need to make a conscious effort to put things into perspective, and it sure isn’t easy.”

Persistence does pay off, Hayes says. Last year her son demanded presents from everyone he met. This year, she describes his behavior as gracious and generous. “He didn’t cry when other kids opened his presents and played with them — like I did when I was 6,” Hayes said. “And he was very happy with everything and thanked us over and over again for a wonderful birthday, so maybe he’s hearing something.”

Thankful Teachings
The teaching doesn’t stop once the party is over. The often-overlooked thank-you notes should be a big part of your child’s post-party plans.

“Soon after your child receives a gift, sit down with her and help her compose and write a thank-you note,” Pantley suggests. “Create a new family rule: You may only play with a gift after the thank-you note has been written. This will get the job done quicker than anything else.” Pantley says it’s important to teach your children to write thank-you notes whenever a gift has been received.

Encouraging your children to donate a few under-used toys to needy children in order to free up storage space for the new items can also help your child recognize not everyone gets what they want just by asking.

Here’s hoping this year, we all manage to avoid the “Birthday Buy Me” battle, and enjoy the best part: celebrating another year in the race to adulthood. Not to mention the ice cream and cake.

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Mom Loves ME More

12
May 2009

Every Mom gets THE question at some point. No, not the sex question. I’m talking about “Who do you love more? Me or my sister?” The standard answer, of course, is “I don’t have a favorite. I love you both the same.”

The answer may be the standard, but it isn’t a good answer. Loving your children exactly the same way and the same amount is impossible. It can’t be done and it shouldn’t be done.

Children, even when they are twins and have lived every day in the same house doing the same things and exposed to the same stimulants, are different. One loves jelly and the other loves peanut butter. The important thing to remember is each child is an individual despite temptations to lump them all together. In terms of the parent’s time and energy, it would be so much easier to take three girls to one ballet class instead of one to karate, one to cheerleading and the other to ballet. Easier yes, but at least one of the girls would rather be somewhere else doing something else.

Foster Individuality

As the mother of three girls, my children are often referred to as “the girls.” It wasn’t too much of a problem until my youngest child was born. He’s over a year old and my children, all four of them, are still called “the girls” by some family members. Fortunately my son is still too young to be offended and I am working hard to change it to at least “the kids.”

Referring to your children by their names rather than a group designation can be an important step in helping them foster a sense of self and individuality. Be sure to talk to teachers who have taught older siblings. Make it clear to the teacher to refrain from comparing the siblings.

“Each of my four boys have different interests,” says Carrie Smith. “One is very artistic and creative, so we’re always buying new markers and pencils for him. At least two of the others are more athletic, and they play the sports. My creative one is offered the opportunity to play, and he says he will at first, but then he backs out. That’s OK. When and if he feels comfortable, he’ll play.”

The Question

The teen years are a time of extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem. These feelings can cause a teen or pre-teen to question a parent’s loyalty and love. “This has come up often,” Debbie Joubert said, “especially with the older children.” Joubert has three children ages 10, 8 and 3.

Judith Turner, the mother of six children says, “I think I can truthfully say I don’t have a favorite child. I love them all, of course. On the other hand, I do relate better to some of my children than others. You could say we have more similar personality traits and interests. And yes, there is one child who is more like me than the others so I feel that I understand him more.”

A Good Answer

The doctrine of “eachmost” should be your guide to handling this situation, according to Dr. Carol Maxym, author of Teens in Turmoil. She started putting the doctrine to work shortly after her second daughter was born when her oldest daughter overheard her calling the new baby, “My Dearest.”

Immediately, Maxym was challenged. How can the new baby be her dearest? Maxym explained each of her daughters were dearest.

“I love each of you most. Grammatically, it doesn’t work, but as a parent it makes sense,” said Maxym. She suggests parents work to help their children develop a deep sense of being an unique self in context of all of the other unique selfs marching around the world.

Avoid Comparisons

“Kids are very good in suckering parents into the comparative, but we don’t have to go there,” said Maxym.

Margie Senechal of Washington, works hard to avoid comparing her two daughters, ages 13 and 10. She recalls her oldest daughter tried to get out of doing dishes by asking why her younger sibling didn’t have to do them. Rather than comparing them, Senechal pointed out the relevant facts.

“Well, when she was doing dishes, she asked, ‘Why doesn’t Jordan have to do chores?’” Senechal recalls. Rather than going on the defensive, Senechal stuck to the facts. She ended her oldest daughter’s challenge with the following simple exchange:

“How old are you?”
“Twelve.”
“And how old were you when you started doing dishes?”
“Twelve.”
“And how old is your sister?”
“Nine.”

“End of discussion,” Senechal said. “She realized it wasn’t because I was playing favorites, but because she was older. We’ve let her know, while she has more responsibilities, she also has more privledges.”

Meri Wallace, author of Birth Order Blues and a child and family therapist for 18 years, agrees Senechal’s approach was appropriate.

“You don’t always have to be even handed,” Wallace says. “It’s important you explain this is happening because of this.

“Talking to a child is really, really important,” Wallace said. “It makes them feel like a valued individual. There isn’t a child that doesn’t need it.”

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Super Sibling!

There are circumstances that cause families to focus consistently on one child more than the others. A star athlete, gifted student or a handicapped child can change the dynamics in a family and make it even harder for parents to recognize the other siblings achievements.

“My biggest struggle is that my oldest child is handicapped, so it is easier to see that she needs PT, swimming, special gym class, etc.,” Turner said. “The next oldest child is extraordinarily gifted, and sometimes the temptation is to think that he can cope just fine instead of recognizing that he has special needs for stimulation as well.”

How does Turner recognize the needs of each of her six children? “I try to spend time alone with each child. We take turns who gets to go along on errands, and who gets to pick things we eat, or books at reading time,” Turner says.

Lili Le Clerc, a mother of five children ages 10 months to 11 years, recently took a parenting course. “I think the best thing I took away from that course was simple — don’t treat your children equally, treat them uniquely.”

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Junior's Savings Can Limit Financial Aid

12
May 2009

Your baby boy has grown taller than you, and is now busy researching colleges and majors. You smile at him sweetly before heading for the bank to check up on his college savings account. Once there, your smile disappears as you look at the balance: $127.36. That can’t be!

You can clearly remember depositing $100 on his fifth birthday… and then there was the check from Aunt Glennis. Where did it go? How are you going to pay for college?

Hopes vs. Reality

Every parent hopes and plans to set aside money for her child’s college tuition, but it doesn’t always happen: Life gets in the way. The car breaks down, or something else interferes, and you find yourself with an empty savings account and a looming college bill.

The good news is the missing college savings account may be one of the best things for your college-bound teen. If your family qualifies for financial aid, then a savings account in your child’s name can actually hinder, rather than help, your quest for financial aid.

“First, parents need to get an accurate idea on their chances for qualifying for aid,” says Kalman Chany. Kalman has helped parents finance college tuition for over 15 years through his company, Campus Consultants and his book, “Paying for College Without Going Broke,” which is in its eighth edition.

“If you have any hope of financial aid, never put money in the child’s name,” said Chany.

Did you catch that “if”? Like most things, it’s hard to give an answer that will fit every financial situation. If your family does not qualify for financial aid, then putting money in a savings account for your child could be a wise move for income tax purposes. The key is figuring out first if you could qualify for financial aid.

The Plan

Chany recommends parents develop a very focused game plan. When should you develop the plan? The earlier you start, the more you can do to help cut your family’s college costs.

“It’s not too early to start focusing on the financial aid process, the need-based process, when your child is in ninth or tenth grade.” If your child is already a junior or senior, it’s not too late. Applying for financial aid is an annual process; you can still effect changes to your financial situation that can decrease your family’s costs for next year.

Financial aid is dispensed on a needs-based system, which is why Junior’s college savings account may not be a great idea after all. If Junior has a savings account, 25 percent of it would be earmarked as part of your family’s share. The same amount of money in a parent’s savings account only has to contribute five percent to college costs.

What does that mean? If the money is in Junior’s name, you will qualify for less financial aid because your need will be determined to be less. For example, a $20,000 savings account in the parents’ name is expected to contribute five percent or $1,000 to college costs. The same amount of savings in Junior’s name is expected to contribute 25 percent or $5,000 to college costs.

By having a savings account in Junior’s name, in this example, the family would qualify for $4,000 less in financial aid than if the same amount had remained in the parents’ name.

“Learn all you can about the process,” says Kate Kelly, a mom and author. “This is a case where knowledge is money.” In her book, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Parenting a Teenager,” Kelly reminds parents there is hope when it comes to financing their child’s college costs. “It can be worked out,” she says.

“Financial aid is based on the college cost and your ability to pay —almost everyone should apply,” says Kelly.

The Process

In order to qualify for financial aid, students will need to fill out forms including the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), state forms and college-required forms. The forms determine how much money a family can afford to help pay for the student’s college education. From the information provided, the family is given an Expected Family Contribution (EFC).

Four factors are used to determine the EFC including the parents’ income, the parents’ assets, the student’s income and the student’s assets. The resulting EFC is how much money the family can finance to pay for college. Yes, you read that right. It said, “finance.” The EFC takes into account the amount of money the family can pay directly, as well as what loans they can take in order to pay for the college costs for that year.

“Parents need to be assertive and do more than just fill out the forms,” said Chany. “You’re not going to find this ‘little thing’ in 30 seconds that is going to make college affordable.” The reality is that it may be a series of small changes, such as your choice of lender that will reduce the overall financial obligation.

One last tip for parents? Don’t rely on just the college to help you find ways to reduce your EFC.
“The college isn’t going to show me how not to pay them,” said Chany. “They are always going to put the financial interest of the institution ahead of yours.”

This article was first published on Moms Online in February 2000 by Oxygen Media, LLC, http://www.oxygen.com

Relevant Links

Campus Consultants — Kalman Chany’s Web site. Campus Consultants is a New York City-based firm that guides parents and students through the financial aid process.

http://www.campusconsultants.com

FinAid – The Smart Student’s Guide to Financial Aid http://www.finaid.org An award winning site that provides a comprehensive guide that is free to all users to locate information on how to finance college education

FastWeb – Offers a search engine for scholarships, information on admissions financial aid, money management, career planning, jobs and life after college. Also free tools such as calendars, e-mail and cost calculators. http://www.fastweb.com

Embark.com — Formerly CollegeEdge, it offers an interactive guide that connects people to their ideal opportunities so they can achieve their educational and career goals. It offers services to students, universities and guidance counselors. http://www.embark.com

California Student Aid Commission – A comprehensive site for students in California, with good general information for students elsewhere. http://www.csac.ca.gov/sfaprogs.html

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