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Bad Boys Suck

03
Oct 2011

There was recently this post going around facebook about teaching daughters to tell the difference between a good man and a bad boy.

The catchy little picture makes it sound so easy, but it is anything but. I have three teenaged daughters, and I have worked hard to make them self confident and smart and confident, but bad boys have means of persuasion that parents find hard to battle and unless I send my girls to an all-female school, they have to learn to deal with boys: the good and the bad.

This past weekend was the high school’s homecoming. All three of my girls were going, but only the oldest had a date. The other two were going with friends. Around 11 p.m., I received a phone call from the oldest. The youngest child was mad at her and crying, and it all had to do with a bad boy.

A quick back story: Last spring/summer, the youngest liked a boy that lived somewhere else but came to the area when staying with his dad. The daughter met him, liked him and they started “going out.” Keep in mind that “going out” meant one movie that his dad went with them to. The rest was texting and facebook and not really seeing each other.

At the beginning of the summer, I read a text the boy had sent my daughter. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t good either. He basically asked her what age she thought she’d be when she lost her virginity and who it would be with. We made some changes including preventing my daughter from going to a friend’s house that lived near the boy (the only place she saw him). By the end of the summer, he had been blocked from my daughter’s facebook profile and his number removed from her cell phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. For a week or two before homecoming, I was hearing rumors about the boy. My daughter was talking to him although she wasn’t supposed to. At homecoming, my oldest daughter intervened and told the boy to leave her little sister alone. The boy reportedly became upset and punched a wall (possibly breaking his fist). FYI: the wall always wins.

My youngest daughter was staying at a friend’s house, but when she came home I talked to her about it. She denied some things including things that she knew to be true. In other words, she was caught in more than one lie. The first one: his number was back on her phone under a false name. She pretended she didn’t know and had no idea how it was there.

Then I checked out her facebook account, and I realized the boy was no longer blocked from her account. He wasn’t a friend yet, but he wasn’t blocked. He should have been blocked. When I went to reblock him, facebook warned me that I couldn’t block someone I had just unblocked in the last 48 hours. When I asked my daughter why she unblocked him, she claimed she didn’t and that she doesn’t know how to unblock him. She claimed that she didn’t know he’d been unblocked. I called her a liar. It’s her facebook account, and she is responsible for it. The unblocking had just happened, so she either did it or knew about it. The unblocking happened when she was at the friend’s house, which just happens to be the friend that lives by the boy.

Now she is without a cell phone, without a facebook or a laptop, and she won’t be going anywhere for a while.

I hate when my children lie to me. I hate bad boys. And I am so disappointed that my daughter hasn’t figured out that lying isn’t a trait they should cultivate in themselves or their friends. It’s a huge warning sign to stay away.

It is incredibly frustrating for me, but I won’t be punching any walls anytime soon. Brains not brawn will resolve this one.

Category: Mother of the Yeeeaar, Parenting  Tags: , , ,  Comments off

Promtastic

27
Apr 2011

From last year's shopping trip -- taken in a dressing room.

My two oldest children (ages 16 and 15) are both going to prom this year, which meant we needed to go shopping for a prom dress.

Shopping for a prom dress is a big deal around these parts primarily because you can’t shop for a prom dress around these parts. It requires driving at least an hour if not more to a place that actually sells prom dresses.

I tried to put if off as long as possible, but the 15-year-old’s prom is this weekend, and it could not be put off any longer. The girls and I made plans to go shopping. Then one of them asked if her boyfriend could come along and without thinking too much about it, I said yes. Almost immediately the second girl asked if her boyfriend could go as well.

And suddenly I was going to be the fifth wheel. For the record, I invited my husband along, and he didn’t think I could pay him enough for that kind of experience.

On Saturday, the boys arrived and we were getting ready to pile into the car. I overheard the oldest’s boyfriend ask if maybe it could just be the four of them going instead of bringing Mom along.

“I’m paying,” I boomed. “I’m going.” But it set the stage. I was now superficial to the entire process and could have been replaced with my credit card. Whatever.

We stopped at our first destination and found a pitiful display of one rack holding prom dresses in a store that had dozens of racks just last year. After a very quick look, we were out the door. The boys were shocked. I think they imagined the decision process would be harder than that.

And it was but only because the selection was oh so pitiful. Three more stores were quickly shot down and then I drove through downtown in hopes of a boutique of some sort. Nothing. We drove 20 more miles to the next shopping destination. Here the selection was slightly better, but most of the choices were — eww. Apparently sequins around the neck line and hideous bows under the chest are still in style for prom dress designers.

Insert lots of time in dressing rooms. The boys declared every dress great. I think they were motivated by the fact that I had declared there will be no food until we buy dresses. The oldest’s boyfriend even started handing her possible options over the dressing room door. There was a line of footstools down the middle of the dressing area with dressing rooms on either side, and the boys quickly became friends with other men waiting there. At one point, the youngest’s boyfriend spread out on the floor of a store while he waited for her to try on yet another dress. In her sight, he was nothing but helpful and patient.

My oldest child didn’t want a poofy dress. Have you ever tried to find a nonpoofy prom dress that will fit a big-chested girl? It is like asking to win the Lotto. You know someone is going to win, but it isn’t going to be you. And yes, the child has boobs to spare, and when you do, you get used to people talking about them as if they were own entity. Heck, you do it yourself.

There were lots of possible options but none of them seemed to fit the boobs. I swear every possible dress was either too small in the chest area or (yes, it is possible) too big in the chest area. And she refused to try on the multicolored halter dresses that were on display.

Towards the end of a lot of dresses being tried on, my oldest daughter was a bit overwhelmed and seriously laughing through the tears. You tend to do that when you get lost when attempting to pull the multi-layered dress over your head and requiring assistance to find your way out of it. Plus, nothing was what you imagined or wanted.

OK, I admit it, I was trying to push the tamer multicolored option on her because they were pretty much the only option in that store. She thought I was on crack, and the boys thought I had horrible taste. Hey, I wasn’t trying to get her to wear the ones with animal print designs. But then I remembered that her prom isn’t until May 14, and there are still other shopping day opportunities. We decided she wouldn’t be buying a dress that day (and even better, she ended up borrowing one from another friend).

May I also say that I was shocked that there were white prom dresses that looked way too much like wedding dresses? My daughters, thankfully, didn’t even give those dresses a second look.

The younger daughter was actually the one that was hard to please. She would try on a dress that looked nice, and she would declare it wrong. She didn’t like the way it fit/felt/looked. The dark gray dress she really liked wasn’t available in her size. She refused to try on anything pink. She also passed on the one that revealed a lot of back that her father wouldn’t like at all but who I found myself campaigning for because it was only $35 and would mean we were done shopping for prom dresses.

One of her biggest concerns was hiding her zebra-striped legs that she’d earned through faulty suntan application during spring break. (We’re going to try some sunless tanner to even them out.)

She finally found one she liked, but we are definitely going to need to do something about the zebra legs. I went up to the counter to pay for the thing before she could change her mind. I stood there for a bit and listened to the TWO cashiers trash talking some ho (their words not mine) before I said quite loudly, “Yes, I am a customer who would like to actually pay for something today if that isn’t too much of a problem for you.” My daughters probably would have been horrified, but they were distracted by their boyfriends and probably talking about plans to eat. Later, when I told my girls what I had said, one said, “Now, they are probably talking about you.” If so, I feel sorry for the customer waiting for them.

The prom fun doesn’t end with the shopping. This Saturday is going to be interesting in terms of logistics/timing/paying for gas.

Both girls are dating boys that attend different high schools than they do. As a sophomore, Amanda isn’t old enough to attend prom, but her boyfriend is a senior. Autumn will be in Washington DC for her boyfriend’s prom; he is going stag. But she’ll be back in time for her prom.

Amanda’s prom is this Saturday in Gaylord even though the boy attends school in Roscommon. Prom starts at 6 p.m., which seems VERY early to me. It has made us a bit nervous about timing because Amanda has a softball tournament in Traverse City Saturday. This limits what she can do with her hair, so I’ve been looking for easy and quick style ideas online.

Amanda was wondering how she was going to get ready. I helpfully suggested she could take her prom stuff with her to the softball tournament, and we could stop at the truck stop in Grayling for her shower, and her date could pick her up on his way to Gaylord. She didn’t think this was a good idea. OK, I suppose we could use Grandma’s shower in Grayling if time gets really tight.

I think I need a map to explain just how much driving/traveling this Saturday entails.
OK, we live at location #1. Our day will start there, and we will join a caravan to location #2, the softball tournament, at least an hour’s drive. The tournament starts early, and I hope ends by 3 p.m., or things will start getting iffy for prom. After the tournament, ideally, we’d have time to go back to location #1 (our home and another hour’s drive) for the daughter to get ready, but if time is an issue, we could go to location #2a (Grandma’s house) for her to get ready. Of course, location #2a means we’d have to figure out how her date will find her in Grayling. It may mean taking pre-prom photos in a parking lot somewhere. Her date will pick her up either at our house or Grayling sometime between 4:30 and 5 because prom is being held at location #3 and starts at 6 p.m., and it is about an hour’s drive from location #1. Plus, we haven’t even considered what the two of them are going to do for dinner. I don’t have to consider it, but I can see it might end up being fast food strictly out of necessity. Or, you know, they could go to prom late, but I’d like to think of SUPERVISED events when my child is dressed up and looking too old to be my child. She’s three, right?

Hubby and I have tickets to see Rodney Carrington at location #4 but that doesn’t start until 8 p.m., so we should be good, but we need to get back in time to oversee curfews, AND we may need to remortgage our home to pay for all of the $4.16 per-gallon gasoline we will use in just. one. day.

Oh, and daughter #3 wants to know if Saturday would be a good day for her to go to the movies with her boyfriend. Um, no. Sorry. Daughter #1 can’t help with driving issues because she will be in unmapped location #5 otherwise known as Washington DC.

It has my husband and I wondering what it’d be like to have three boys instead….

Category: Parenting  Tags: , ,  3 Comments

Boyfriends

11
Aug 2010

My oldest child made the badly-timed comment that I have not written in my blog about her new boyfriend yet. Was that a request? As any good mother would do, I shall fulfill it!

I have three daughters, and my daughters are good looking girls, which means there are boys. Currently, all three girls are “in a relationship.”

And though I have never had favorites among my children, I feel no compulsion to not develop favorites among the boyfriends. Therefore, I must confess that I like the youngest daughter’s boyfriend best. This boy thinks I don’t like him, and I admit I was not admired of him when I first met him, which was when we were camping in July. Primarily because he was hanging around outside my daughter’s tent after all of us went to bed, but her older sister ran him off with a few choice warnings of what I might do if I caught him.

Why do I like this boy the best? He lives in another state, and even better, the state he lives in has many states between that state and the state we live in. I think this is the very best kind of boyfriend for my children to have. I highly endorse it. Long may it last from afar.

And the other two boys? They are on shaky ground. Both called last night after 9 p.m., which I have long established as something that IS. NOT. DONE. One boy’s call was slightly worse since he made the mistake of calling the house phone after 9 p.m. The other boy called after 9 as well, but he made it a restricted call to the daughter’s cell phone, and it was almost midnight.

The daughter was sitting right next to me, and we were using my laptop to watch an episode of Pretty Little Liars that we had missed. After a little bit, she gave me the phone and told me to talk to whoever was calling her. I knew it was the boyfriend right away despite the really bad accent that he said he got from “accent school,” and which I suggested he request a refund of his tuition.

While this boyfriend talked in a fake accent, I heard other boys in the background, and there was pausing for the boy to laugh with the guys. He did not know he was talking to the daughter’s mother, and I didn’t enlighten him. After about 15 minutes or so, he asked if I was Maxine, and I said no. He asked if I was Amanda, and I said no. He asked if I was Autumn, and I said no, and then I said something along the lines of that leaves just one female in this house that he could be talking to, and he got it, and he was so shocked I think he dropped the phone. One of the boys with him quickly picked it up and in very mangled fake accent said something that I think wasn’t quite appropriate to say to a mother. When said boyfriend recovered, he must have grabbed the phone because the phone call suddenly ended, and my daughter got a text asking if I was mad. I wasn’t. It was funny.

(Digression: When this boy and my daughter started dating, he was texting her and asking if her parents knew they were dating. She wrote back “yes,” and he texted, “What do they think?” By then, I had control of the daughter’s phone, and texted back, “She could do better.” Priceless. Daughter let him know right away who sent that text. And now a digression in a digression: Yes, I take my children’s cell phones at random moments and read their texts. My children know this is a possibility. It is part of the agreement we have that allows them to have the phones in the first place. If I check their phone and texts have been deleted OR my child refuses to surrender the phone, the child loses the right to have a phone.End Digression in a Digression. End Digression.)

Although that boyfriend loses points because he claims to love my daughter with every text he sends (it is his auto signature), although love might be spelled “luv.” It is way too soon for any of that nonsense! I think he is very enamored of her, and he may have put her up on a very high pedestal, which does not impress her very much (it is hard to type that line without thinking of Shania Twain). If I were to give him advice, I would say he needs to tone it down. The child that is his girlfriend is not the type of girl that is flattered by constant attention and compliments. She gets annoyed.

And then there is that other guy. He is the oldest child’s boyfriend. He drives. He has crazy (think Fatal Attraction level crazy) ex-girlfriends. He has drama. All of which my oldest child just feeds off of (she is not her sister). But so far he has been nice and treated her well. He is polite (although he does not check the time before calling our house at night). At this stage, it may even be that he is proof that the oldest child’s taste in boys has improved slightly, but I reserve the right to change my mind because the guy either is attracted to Fatal Attraction level crazy or he creates it. And the oldest child has proven that she 1) likes the bad boy and 2) likes any boy that drives her mother nuts.

So to summarize, I like my youngest daughter’s boyfriend. I approve of him right until the moment that he crosses the border of Michigan. The other two boys? They amuse me, which is better than annoying me. Right up until the moment they call after 9 p.m. or otherwise conspire to make my children lie or tell me half-truths.

And now the oldest child can be sorry that she got what she asked for….

Category: Family, Parenting  Tags: , ,  One Comment

Choppy Thoughts

10
Feb 2010

I am sniffling and sneezing. Stuffy even. I don’t feel good. I have a cold, and I am on a rotating dosage of NyQuil/DayQuil/NyQuil….

I have a lousy personality. I must. I had a job interview last week. Basically the interview was “we know you can do the job, but we want to see if your personality will fit.” My personality must not have fit. That can’t be right, can it?

I am stuffy. I hate being sick.

My middle daughter, Amanda, has a boyfriend. I am worried.

Maxine smiles. Easily. She still makes a point of kissing me hello/goodbye/goodnight/goodmorning. It is wonderful. The older kids? Too old for that unless I force it on them.

It snowed. A lot. I’m ready for spring.

Autumn is starting segment two of driver’s training in March. She is just over 3 months away from being 16 and licensed.

Justin is going to be in Battle of the Books. He is excited!

Autumn and another girl in her band earned a I in regional solo & ensemble competition. They have a flute duet. They will go onto state competition in about a month’s time.

Maxine and I are excitedly gathering items to pack for our trip to Washington DC next week.

Amanda’s school said she failed an eye exam and needed to get checked. She was very worried. Turns out, she has 20/20 vision without glasses or contacts. She is now very very happy.

Maxine’s getting a LOT of phone calls from boys.

Category: Choppy Thoughts  Tags: , , , ,  One Comment

Eyes Wide Open

09
Nov 2009

condom_wedding_gown“Teenage pregnancy is 100 percent preventable,” claims the public service announcement from one of the stars of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”

I have watched the show with my children. We’re hooked, and even though I now think it is more like a teenage soap opera, I continue to watch it with my children. It is just one more way that I try to discuss sex openly with my children.

I have never shied away from telling my children the truth about sex. If they hear about something, I answer, and I answer completely even if it is my 10-year-old son asking what “friends with benefits” means (thanks to Sheldon in Big Bang Theory).

And I am the parent of teenagers, and I know sometime in the near future, my kids will become sexually active. It isn’t something I want, but it is a fact that I must deal with. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, “the percentage of high school students who have had sexual intercourse increases by grade. In 2003, 62 percent of 12th graders had had sexual intercourse, compared with 33 percent of 9th graders.”

I have two high school students, and those statistics are scary. I want my children to be the exception. I want my children to be in the 38 percent of 12th graders who haven’t had sexual intercourse, but I know the reality. I wasn’t a virgin when I graduated from high school although my best friend was a virgin. But even if my children are a virgin when they graduate, the amount of time until they do decide to be sexually active is dwindling.

As a mom, I want to know what I can do and should do to help my children. Ideally, I want my children to abstain. But I know what it is like to be a teen girl. I know how convincing teen boys can be, and I know that it is hard to say no because it isn’t just the teenage boy that wants to have sex.

And so as a mom, I am left waiting. I hope my children say no, and I hope if my children decide not to say no that they turn to me for advice and help.

I try to figure out what role, if any, birth control pills should play in this stage of my children’s life. I don’t want my children to have to deal with pregnancy when they are teens. But is getting birth control a preventive method or parental permission? I don’t want it to be permission, but could it mistakenly be interpreted that way?

And every day, I hear stories of other kids. A girl that used to come over to our house for sleepovers is now pregnant. She is 15, due in March, and engaged to the baby’s father, another 15 year old. The pair are excited about the wedding and the nuptuals, and I can’t figure out what the parents failed to do that allowed this to happen. And I think about the marriage that will happen, and I wonder what will happen when playing house becomes reality. Yesterday, I wondered about the legalities of a 15-year-old signing papers for their own child. Can they?

And yesterday, I sat down next to my child. She was on the computer and having an instant messaging conversation with another girl that I have known since she was in kindergarten. The girl’s 15, and her older sister is a teenage mom. The conversation started with the girl telling my daughter, “I’m horrible.”

My daughter asked why, the girl said she’d been bad, and my daughter asked what she did. The girl responded with the comment that she had given her boyfriend an “hj,” and he had wandering fingers as well. (That is as polite a way as I can put what she typed to my daughter.)

My daughter had no idea this was about to come across her computer screen, and the girl didn’t know I was reading the IM conversation. And I had to ask what an “hj” was, and both of my oldest children knew the answer.

The girl was told that I saw what she wrote. She was a bit mortified. I was worried. I passed on a few comments, nuggests of wisdom. She said she would talk to her mom. She also said she would “be smart,” and after a bit, she said she didn’t plan to have sex with a guy until she was with him for a while and she would use a condom. She said all the right things, and I couldn’t wonder why what she did with her boyfriend didn’t fall into the “having sex” definition. When does it quit being “fooling around” or “making out” and cross that threshold into “having sex.” And I think that is part of the problem. Teens don’t realize that what happened in that moment really is “having sex.” And how quickly that foreplay stuff becomes more than they ever planned.

And even though I am trying to do this parenting thing with my eyes wide open, I am worried and scared.

Image credit: The dress in the photo above is made from 12,500 condoms and the story about it can be found here: http://gizmodo.com/219001/wedding-gown-made-of-12500-condoms

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Category: Life with Linda  Tags: , , ,  Comments off
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