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Christmas Letter 2011

Merry Christmas from the Sherwood Family!

It has been two years since you last heard from us because Linda was too lazy to write a Christmas letter last year (or too busy, depends on whether you believe Steve or Linda). This year, she thought she would avoid the last-minute rush by writing the letter in October, but Linda is also very good at procrastination. Thus, there are just 14 days left until Christmas, and Linda has a ton of papers to grade (finals week begins tomorrow). This, of course, is perfect motivation for Linda to avoid grading papers to write the Christmas letter. Plus, she promised Steve she would have it done two days ago, but she has to be in the proper holiday mood to get the letter done and after a weekend of holiday cheer, she thinks she has it.

 

Before we look back at the last year (or two), we wanted to take the time to ask you to “save the date.” Autumn is a high school senior this year, and we are planning to celebrate her graduation May 26, 2012, which is the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend. You are welcome to bring your camper and/or tent and stay in our yard. It should be a fun party. And yes, we will be sending out official invitations next spring.

 

2011 started well. Everyone was busy and productive, and Justin was following in his sisters’ footsteps and competing in Battle of the Books. It is an awesome reading competition that involves lots of practices and getting dressed early on Saturdays. It was one such Saturday when Linda was driving Justin into Houghton Lake for a practice competition when the pair was run over by a semi-truck. Luckily, the semi-truck missed any vital body parts although it totaled Linda’s minivan, which did NOT break Linda’s heart at all. Linda was adamant she would not replace her minivan with another minivan. She is now driving a car that can hold six people, but it is a car that doesn’t scream “mom” and still gets 28 to 30 mpg. The big news of 2011? Steve and Linda celebrated birthdays that started with 4 and ended in 0: 40. For the record, Steve is older (March to August), and Linda doesn’t look a day over 39.

 

Steve is still working as a field technician fixing the gigantic engines that push natural gas through the pipe lines. His work truck caught fire one day on his way to work, so he now has a new truck to drive. For most of the year, he worked near Gaylord and would spend at least one week away from home every month. In September, however, he was transferred and now works primarily in the Beaver Creek area, which is about 25 miles from our house. He didn’t have to travel out of state as much in 2011, and we were all happy to have him home more often. We like the guy, so we are happiest when he is around. This fall, Steve loved being able to take all four kids hunting although Amanda was the one who went hunting with him the most. Steve waited until the end of rifle season to take down a good sized doe.

 

Linda is still teaching at Ferris State University, which she loves. She teaches both in a traditional classroom and in an online classroom. Online teaching is great because she can wear her PJs while working, which is good since she is running out of work clothing that fits her. She lost about 56 pounds this year. After struggling with her weight for several years, Linda had gastric sleeve surgery in August and is very happy with the results. Although the surgery has definitely helped her lose weight, Linda has also become quite active in working out and going to Zumba to maximize her losses and get her to goal weight. Thanks to weight lifting, she is also happy to report that she has actual biceps for the first time ever.

Autumn, 17, was inducted into the National Honor Society and receives tons of mail from colleges all over the United States. She finally received the letter she has been waiting for – an acceptance letter to Ferris State University where she will attend next fall. She plans to study digital design. She received an early Christmas gift (her varsity jacket) and is looking forward to playing softball on the school’s new fields this coming spring. She is now working at Kmart, but she left her job at McDonald’s on good terms and may return there next summer. They were sad to see her go. In good news, it has been over a year since she received a speeding ticket, so she no longer has a graduated driver’s license. She now has the real thing, and we hope the cost of the tickets will continue to prevent her from future speeding. The girl learns lessons best when the lesson costs her money.

 

Amanda, 16, is the newest licensed driver in our house. The best thing about this is that Amanda is willing to do the most boring of errands as long as it involves her getting to drive. It seems Amanda learned from her older sister’s mistakes since it has been more than a month since obtaining her license, and she has not received a speeding ticket nor exhibited the behavior that would result in one. During the summer, Amanda worked for a local ice cream shop. She did a good job of spending her income wisely. She is the chief caretaker of our animals including the latest additions: four rabbits and a turtle. The turtle is all Amanda’s, but the rabbits were supposed to belong to all four children; Amanda, however, is the only child to take care of the rabbits without any reminders or nagging. It isn’t surprising to anyone that has ever seen her around animals that Amanda plans to study veterinary medicine in her future. She is looking forward to spring and participating in softball, which is her favorite nonanimal-related thing to do. Despite her love for animals, Amanda loves hunting. She is the first of our kids to bag a buck; she brought down a spike-horn during the youth hunt. She is a junior this year.

 

Maxine, 14, is a freshman in high school and adjusting to life in the high school very well. She has learned some tough lessons about friends this year, but she is figuring it all out. She worked at Merritt Speedway selling popcorn all summer, which helped her math skills immensely. Right now, freshman basketball is keeping her busy. She spends most nights at practice or games. It is paying off – she made a three-pointer the other night, and her family was there to see it. It’s a small team of just 8 freshmen, so she gets plenty of playing time. She has enjoyed having two older sisters to drive her around to the various school-related events. This was especially helpful during the marching band season when Maxine learned to march and play at the same time. She played alto sax in the marching band, but she is trying her hand at tenor sax for concert band season. Despite being a “cool” freshman, the girl still smiles incredibly easily and has the best giggles and hugs around. Plus, her dad protects her fiercely mostly from her older sisters.

 

Justin, 12, is just a couple of weeks away from becoming a teenager (January 7). He is in seventh grade and manages to get almost all As and could probably get all As, but he has a tendency to put off work and fails to turn in all of his assignments in at least one class every semester (I wonder where he gets that procrastination tendency from…). The kid is a computer whiz and pretty good at most video games as well (although his dad still beats him on the racing games, but it is getting closer). He played Jaguar football this year, and he surprised himself with how well he did. He loves tackling. He also played a number of positions in Little League baseball and is working on developing a killer throw like his older sister Amanda. He plays trumpet in band and never seems to be without a girl or two fawning over him. I have no doubt that he will become the tallest of the Sherwood kids in the coming year. The kid grew a LOT this year. He was pretty proud of himself (we were too) when he bagged his doe during the youth hunt.

 

The Sherwood family wishes you the merriest of Christmases and a very happy new year.

Love, Steve, Linda, Autumn, Amanda, Maxine and JustinDecember 11, 2011

Dirty Laundry

The child pictured at left thinks her dad is an asshole and her mother is a bitch. Life sucks, and she cannot wait to move the hell out of her home where she hasn’t been happy for a very long time because, hello, her parents suck.

They do mean things.

For instance, they yell at her when she uses things that do not belong to her — especially after she has been told not to use them.

This does not stop her from using those things anyway, which is why they yell.

Her horrible parents have spent about $1,000 in the last two months to repair a vehicle that she has repeatedly abused and broken including getting said vehicle stuck on railroad tracks. Somewhere in there she managed to crack the caliper in HALF. But her dad is such a fricking dick because he PAID for the parts and REPAIRED it for her in less than 24 hours. That is just how much of a dick her dad is.

Her mom is a bitch because her mom gives her gas money to fill said vehicle when it is empty.

Her mom makes her do things and yells at her when she doesn’t. Her mom repeatedly asks her to do things like clean her room, which she ignores.

When things go missing, they tend to be found in the girl’s possession. Yet she has no idea how they got there or that they are even there because the girl’s room is messy.

Her absolutely hateful parents do horrible things like not get her what she wants. For instance, she doesn’t have a phone or a laptop, or a vehicle to drive, a kindle, or a varsity jacket.

Oh wait, she has ALL of those things.

And how does she repay her parents?

She yells at them.

She lies to them.

She sneaks out of the house.

She thinks everything in this house belongs to her and treats it that way.

She shows no respect to her parents.

She screams at her siblings.

She expects everything.

She whines.

She yells.

She throws mini tantrums every single day.

But it is HER PARENTS that are the problem.

She doesn’t pick up a single thing. She throws something away and it misses? You can expect to find it next to the trash can for the next week.

She still takes her laptop to her room although she was told not to. Plus she can get online with her Kindle but she isn’t supposed to.

They make her do dishes even after she has worked all day and hasn’t had any sleep because she stayed out the night before and now can’t say a civilized word to a single solitary person.

OMG they make her do dishes after working all day! Can you believe that?

They yell at her when she threatens to hurt her siblings or actually does hit her siblings.

They tell her to shut up and go to her room without dinner when she just can’t keep her mouth shut despite repeated requests to knock it off.

Her dad’s a dick, and she is ready to do something that will really make him think twice about just how stupid he is being. She has enlisted the help of guys although she isn’t quite sure what she needs them to do yet.

Her dad trusted her implicitly. He didn’t think she could ever lie to him. She did lie. Her mom would figure it out. But her dad still believed her. Until the day he didn’t. Until she specifically told him she wasn’t lying, and her mother proved she was lying. Now, her dad can’t trust a single thing she says to him. But he loves her anyway. That’s a dick for you.

Now, her mom isn’t so bad, but she still has her moments. She really is a bitch you know. Plus, her mom the bitch will just go along with her dad the asshole.

As her mother, I am finding this is getting very old very quickly. Lately, I have given in to her demands to go here or go there because it is fricking easier than having her at home where she makes life a living hell from all of her bitching and moaning and lousy attitude towards the other 5 people that live here.

This morning, I am at my limit. I found just how little she cares for us, and I thought that I’d let the world know.

I suck as a mother. I’m a bitch. Her dad’s an asshole. I don’t know how the fuck she is going to stand living here until she turns 18 and life suddenly becomes wonderful and she can move the fuck out of this hellhole.

 

And the damn thing is that I still love her.

 

Closet Clean Out

This was captioned: I got the better deal -- more material same price!

I attended the kids’ band concert last Thursday and ran into the lovely lady pictured with me at right. She let me know she still had the shirt she is wearing in the picture below and let me know I looked great and could fit into the smaller version of the shirt. She still owned it.

The picture was taken at our 20-year-class reunion. We live in the same small town where our shopping options are limited. We both had the same idea when we bought the shirt at Fashion Bug.

I no longer own my shirt. It is too big for me now that I’ve lost nearly 60 pounds. I donated it several months ago.

Today, in my bedroom, I have another very large bag of clothes to donate. I had been holding onto my size 18 pants because they were what I wore for work. But they were getting very baggy. The other day I realized I needed to stop wearing them when I was able to take the pants off without unzipping or unfastening them. Plus, they made my butt disappear.

It is now the end of the semester, which means I won’t be needing many dress clothes for an entire month. I decided it was time to bag up the baggy clothes and all of the size 18s are gone. So are the size 16s (well except for one pair that is pretty comfy).

I know that I am going to have to sort through my underwear drawer soon. I have bras that are too big (in the band and the cup) and some underwear too. I have read too many horror stories about underwear falling off to trust my larger stuff much longer.

I am now in size 14s, and I even bought a jean skirt to wear. It is a bit on the short side, so I’m going to have to invest in some leggings of some type as well. The skirt was at the Gap Outlet and on clearance plus 40 percent off, so I bought it for less than $3. How could I not?

There is a downside to being smaller. I live in a home with three teenage daughters. The youngest is still a small, but the two older girls wear medium sizes. I am a size large now, which means my clothing no longer swims on my children, and they are finding things they like. The other day my oldest arrived home and upon seeing what shirt I was wearing announced, “I was going to wear that.” It was mine.

I suspect it will only get worse when they start fitting into my pants as well.

And in good news — my middle daughter has a pair of black knee-high boots. I tried them on, and they fit my calves! The problem is she won’t let me borrow them. ;-)

Protecting Presents from Snooping Children

An Oldie but a Goodie: Mom (me) and Justin at a Christmas several years ago.

Driving to work this morning, I listened to Finster (of WKLT’s Omelette and Finster) complain about his stepkids snooping after his wife wrapped up presents and put them under the tree. Finster described a scene I was pretty familiar with — kids counting and shaking the various presents as they wonder what the packages might contain.

A woman caller suggested a fantastic strategy. Instead of putting the kids’ names on the packages, the caller said to use reindeer names. You don’t reveal which child is which reindeer until Christmas morning.

Tonight, I mentioned the idea to my husband, but my kids overheard. My son immediately decided it was a bad idea. He proclaimed that shaking the packages was part of the Christmas experience.

One of my daughters immediately called dibs on being Rudolph. When I suggested it would defeat the purpose if she knew the reindeer name I assigned to her packages, she proclaimed no one else should be Rudolph except for her.

Tonight, I wrapped a bunch of gifts.

(By the way, my son mentioned that Congress just recently passed a law that you MUST have a Christmas tree up and decorated once more than two presents have been wrapped. I’m sure we’ll all read the news reports about this new law soon.)

I refrained from using the kids’ names, and I used the reindeer names instead. Right now, we have presents for Dasher, Dancer, Vixen and Prancer.

The presents are not yet under our tree because we are in clear violation of the newly passed law. We are still without a tree. Instead of under a tree, the gifts are on top of the containers holding all of our Christmas tree ornaments and lights.

I think to completely mess with the kids, I will add more presents for Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. That’s right. I will assign TWO reindeer names to each kid, and they will be completely confused about who will receive what.

(Insert evil laugh!)

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Car Wars

Mornings have become a battle ground at my house, but it isn’t because of any of the usual things (wearing someone else’s clothes, grabbing the last pop tart, getting in someone’s way, stealing mom’s socks, not getting ready, failing to get out of bed, etc.).

My oldest child, 17, has to drive to school at least twice a week because she takes afternoon classes at the local community college.

My second-oldest child has decided that she hates to ride the bus to school.

That picture is of the two of them in one of the rare moments when they are smiling and looking like they might actually like/love each other. (On a similar note, their behavior towards each other was so much sweeter when they were younger as evidenced by the family videos we watched while decorating our house for Christmas last week.)

As a result, my second-oldest child, without asking, will just get ready slow enough that she has to ride with her older sister.

Apparently, this is the way to kill/torture/maim the older sister because the older sister is never happy about this. It seems she would rather have her eyelids cut off than have her younger siblings ride in the same vehicle with her despite the years they spent in the same vehicle together.

I was driving to work and received a phone call from the oldest child who was concerned that younger siblings were planning on riding with her. “I’ll take the bus and not drive,” she threatened me. I wasn’t worried. I told her to not worry about it. She started objecting and complaining, and I said goodbye and hung up.

You see, the second-oldest child has already called and asked for alternative school-carrying means to be approved. I had approved them. The younger siblings were not riding with the oldest nor on the bus, but they were hiding that just to aggravate the oldest child. It worked.

The next day, the oldest child found a way to get the upper hand. She got up, got dressed and let it be known that she planned to ride the bus. When the bus arrived, all four children went out the front door. The oldest walked slowly toward the bus.

As her younger sister crossed the road to get on the bus, the oldest child waved bye and turned around and came back in the house. She planned on driving all along but didn’t want her siblings to know about it. It worked once, but I don’t think it will work again.

And I have to wonder, what is so wrong with siblings riding to school together?

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