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Meet Peanut

03
Feb 2012

I am going to be a grandma. I will turn 41 in August and could be a grandma by that time, or within a month anyway. The baby is due Sept. 5.

Being a grandma made me think of what I want to be called. There is already a Grandma Sherwood in our family, and a Grandma Denton plus Granny. This means I need to have an alternative name. I could follow Sheldon’s lead (from the Big Bang Theory) and be Me-Maw, but I don’t like Me-Maw.

I proclaim I will be called Nana.

And I want to introduce you to my grandchild, who I am currently calling Peanut because the baby looks like a peanut in this ultrasound:

I wasn’t able to go with my daughter, Autumn to the ultrasound because I was working. When I asked later, Autumn wasn’t sure which end was the head and which was the butt. The focus of this ultrasound was to confirm the due date and check the heartbeat. The due date was adjusted from Sept. 17 to Sept. 5, which makes it possible that the baby is born on Nana’s birthday. Hint. Hint. The heartbeat was 171.

The good news is the baby’s father was able to accompany Autumn to the appointment, which made me very happy. I was very worried about the ultrasound. We’ve known about the pregnancy for more than a month but had kept the news quiet “just in case.” My first 3 pregnancies were blighted ovums, and I was hoping Autumn wouldn’t have to deal with that emotional turmoil especially since I couldn’t be at the ultrasound appointment. I was relieved when she texted me to tell me the heartbeat.

I have been window shopping for baby things.

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Dirty Laundry

21
Dec 2011

The child pictured at left thinks her dad is an asshole and her mother is a bitch. Life sucks, and she cannot wait to move the hell out of her home where she hasn’t been happy for a very long time because, hello, her parents suck.

They do mean things.

For instance, they yell at her when she uses things that do not belong to her — especially after she has been told not to use them.

This does not stop her from using those things anyway, which is why they yell.

Her horrible parents have spent about $1,000 in the last two months to repair a vehicle that she has repeatedly abused and broken including getting said vehicle stuck on railroad tracks. Somewhere in there she managed to crack the caliper in HALF. But her dad is such a fricking dick because he PAID for the parts and REPAIRED it for her in less than 24 hours. That is just how much of a dick her dad is.

Her mom is a bitch because her mom gives her gas money to fill said vehicle when it is empty.

Her mom makes her do things and yells at her when she doesn’t. Her mom repeatedly asks her to do things like clean her room, which she ignores.

When things go missing, they tend to be found in the girl’s possession. Yet she has no idea how they got there or that they are even there because the girl’s room is messy.

Her absolutely hateful parents do horrible things like not get her what she wants. For instance, she doesn’t have a phone or a laptop, or a vehicle to drive, a kindle, or a varsity jacket.

Oh wait, she has ALL of those things.

And how does she repay her parents?

She yells at them.

She lies to them.

She sneaks out of the house.

She thinks everything in this house belongs to her and treats it that way.

She shows no respect to her parents.

She screams at her siblings.

She expects everything.

She whines.

She yells.

She throws mini tantrums every single day.

But it is HER PARENTS that are the problem.

She doesn’t pick up a single thing. She throws something away and it misses? You can expect to find it next to the trash can for the next week.

She still takes her laptop to her room although she was told not to. Plus she can get online with her Kindle but she isn’t supposed to.

They make her do dishes even after she has worked all day and hasn’t had any sleep because she stayed out the night before and now can’t say a civilized word to a single solitary person.

OMG they make her do dishes after working all day! Can you believe that?

They yell at her when she threatens to hurt her siblings or actually does hit her siblings.

They tell her to shut up and go to her room without dinner when she just can’t keep her mouth shut despite repeated requests to knock it off.

Her dad’s a dick, and she is ready to do something that will really make him think twice about just how stupid he is being. She has enlisted the help of guys although she isn’t quite sure what she needs them to do yet.

Her dad trusted her implicitly. He didn’t think she could ever lie to him. She did lie. Her mom would figure it out. But her dad still believed her. Until the day he didn’t. Until she specifically told him she wasn’t lying, and her mother proved she was lying. Now, her dad can’t trust a single thing she says to him. But he loves her anyway. That’s a dick for you.

Now, her mom isn’t so bad, but she still has her moments. She really is a bitch you know. Plus, her mom the bitch will just go along with her dad the asshole.

As her mother, I am finding this is getting very old very quickly. Lately, I have given in to her demands to go here or go there because it is fricking easier than having her at home where she makes life a living hell from all of her bitching and moaning and lousy attitude towards the other 5 people that live here.

This morning, I am at my limit. I found just how little she cares for us, and I thought that I’d let the world know.

I suck as a mother. I’m a bitch. Her dad’s an asshole. I don’t know how the fuck she is going to stand living here until she turns 18 and life suddenly becomes wonderful and she can move the fuck out of this hellhole.

 

And the damn thing is that I still love her.

 

Category: Mother of the Yeeeaar  Tags: , ,  One Comment

Protecting Presents from Snooping Children

06
Dec 2011

An Oldie but a Goodie: Mom (me) and Justin at a Christmas several years ago.

Driving to work this morning, I listened to Finster (of WKLT’s Omelette and Finster) complain about his stepkids snooping after his wife wrapped up presents and put them under the tree. Finster described a scene I was pretty familiar with — kids counting and shaking the various presents as they wonder what the packages might contain.

A woman caller suggested a fantastic strategy. Instead of putting the kids’ names on the packages, the caller said to use reindeer names. You don’t reveal which child is which reindeer until Christmas morning.

Tonight, I mentioned the idea to my husband, but my kids overheard. My son immediately decided it was a bad idea. He proclaimed that shaking the packages was part of the Christmas experience.

One of my daughters immediately called dibs on being Rudolph. When I suggested it would defeat the purpose if she knew the reindeer name I assigned to her packages, she proclaimed no one else should be Rudolph except for her.

Tonight, I wrapped a bunch of gifts.

(By the way, my son mentioned that Congress just recently passed a law that you MUST have a Christmas tree up and decorated once more than two presents have been wrapped. I’m sure we’ll all read the news reports about this new law soon.)

I refrained from using the kids’ names, and I used the reindeer names instead. Right now, we have presents for Dasher, Dancer, Vixen and Prancer.

The presents are not yet under our tree because we are in clear violation of the newly passed law. We are still without a tree. Instead of under a tree, the gifts are on top of the containers holding all of our Christmas tree ornaments and lights.

I think to completely mess with the kids, I will add more presents for Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. That’s right. I will assign TWO reindeer names to each kid, and they will be completely confused about who will receive what.

(Insert evil laugh!)

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Car Wars

28
Nov 2011

Mornings have become a battle ground at my house, but it isn’t because of any of the usual things (wearing someone else’s clothes, grabbing the last pop tart, getting in someone’s way, stealing mom’s socks, not getting ready, failing to get out of bed, etc.).

My oldest child, 17, has to drive to school at least twice a week because she takes afternoon classes at the local community college.

My second-oldest child has decided that she hates to ride the bus to school.

That picture is of the two of them in one of the rare moments when they are smiling and looking like they might actually like/love each other. (On a similar note, their behavior towards each other was so much sweeter when they were younger as evidenced by the family videos we watched while decorating our house for Christmas last week.)

As a result, my second-oldest child, without asking, will just get ready slow enough that she has to ride with her older sister.

Apparently, this is the way to kill/torture/maim the older sister because the older sister is never happy about this. It seems she would rather have her eyelids cut off than have her younger siblings ride in the same vehicle with her despite the years they spent in the same vehicle together.

I was driving to work and received a phone call from the oldest child who was concerned that younger siblings were planning on riding with her. “I’ll take the bus and not drive,” she threatened me. I wasn’t worried. I told her to not worry about it. She started objecting and complaining, and I said goodbye and hung up.

You see, the second-oldest child has already called and asked for alternative school-carrying means to be approved. I had approved them. The younger siblings were not riding with the oldest nor on the bus, but they were hiding that just to aggravate the oldest child. It worked.

The next day, the oldest child found a way to get the upper hand. She got up, got dressed and let it be known that she planned to ride the bus. When the bus arrived, all four children went out the front door. The oldest walked slowly toward the bus.

As her younger sister crossed the road to get on the bus, the oldest child waved bye and turned around and came back in the house. She planned on driving all along but didn’t want her siblings to know about it. It worked once, but I don’t think it will work again.

And I have to wonder, what is so wrong with siblings riding to school together?

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The Anti-Thankful Post

24
Nov 2011

Everyone is posting their reasons for being thankful, and I decided I needed to do something a bit different.

I’m going to whine about having to share.

It hasn’t been that long since my new Kindle Fire arrived. I have barely had any time to play with it, and some of my children hadn’t even touched it yet.

I made the mistake of bringing it with me to the family celebration. In no time, my children and cousins were using my Kindle Fire to do things like play suduko and solitaire.

I reluctantly allowed this. In that I said “yes,” but I really wanted to grab my toy and take it home while screaming “nnnoooo!” and “mmmiiinnnneee.”

I have since reclaimed my Kindle Fire and told all children that it is charging. I feel better. Especially after I cleaned off all of the fingerprints.

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