Friendly Fire

Yesterday, my son was carrying a full tray to a lunch table to sit down next to his friend when a sixth grader came along, knocked him down and took the seat. The food my son had been looking forward to eating “it was my favorite” was now on the ground.

And my son’s friends were laughing at him. As he told me about this incident, he did a lot of description about the food and then the friends’ laughter. He was surprised his friends were laughing at him. He barely even mentioned the boy that knocked him over, and I thought that was weird, but I soon realized it was because my son didn’t know the kid and wasn’t offended by that kid as much as he was about his own friends’ reactions.

OK, they are boys in the 10-11 range, so I can see how laughter was the first reaction, but OH! Why did my kid have to be hurt by his friends?

And then, later in the day I picked up my young daughter, and she is texting. Two of her best friends are fighting, and she was trying to be a peace keeper. Apparently S said something mean to E, and now S was saying she didn’t remember doing it, but S apologized to E as well and wanted E to say “OK.”

E, however, has put up with a lot of crap from S. This child of mine seems to attract a lot of friends who just love to create drama. I’ve seen E’s comments on social networks where she was basically indicating she was in a lot of pain because of meant things friends were saying and doing to her and to people she cared about. S’s name was usually involved.

So I asked my daughter why she felt the two girls needed to be friends again? As it was, my daughter was now on the outs with E who was one of her very first friends. And it was because she wanted the two girls to be friends again. In the meantime, there is another girl, one that for a long time didn’t get along with my daughter because they fought over E. The 3 girls were finally getting to an age where they all got along pretty well. But the other girl backed E and Maxine was trying to be peacekeeper, so she was being perceived as being against E.

So I tried to offer some advice. I tried to let my daughter it was OK to not intervene with the two girls. She could be friends with both without forcing them to be friends with each other. I reminded my daughter of how S had treated E and suggested that E needed the time away from S and maybe the experience would teach S to be a better friend. And I asked my daughter to think about her friends and the way they treat her and what she values.

And that’s when my daughter started crying, and it was another lunchroom incident. My daughter said normally she sits by S and E at lunchtime but yesterday, E walked right by my daughter and sat down at a different table. My daughter talked about how she was afraid to join E at the other table because she wasn’t sure she would be welcome because the girl that was supporting E (and thus very mad and vocal about it to my daughter) would prevent her from sitting down.

And I know my two other kids are dealing with friends stuff (minor and major), and I just want to wrap them all in bubble wrap.

So hopefully, things will be better in the lunch room today. I shared with my daughter about her brother’s own struggles in the lunch room that day. Her first reaction, “If it had been my friend, I would have stood up for him.” She wanted to know which sixth grader had knocked down her brother. She was ready to take names and unleash fury. And I am sure a friend or two of my son’s will be hearing an earful from her today about their laughing.

I don’t have answers, and I so with I didn’t get the reminders of how hard that time in the school lunch room can be. Bubble wrap all around.