Saying No is Hard

I just told my mom no. And when she whined and sighed and had her voice full of guilt and exasperation and reminded me of all the favors she has done for me, and I said no again.

And she still didn’t hear me.

Then I went into a little rant where I reminded her of all the times I told her that if in the future this should happen, I would not do this. And I mentioned how my husband does not want this to happen, etc.

Mom did not like that I said no. I suspect that even now she is on the phone to my siblings complaining about me, and together they all agree, I am a rotten spoiled child.

I am willing to do a lot of things for my mother. I even do some things she’d rather I didn’t do (she likes to save things, and once in a while, I declutter for her and probably get rid of things she’d rather keep).

But several years ago, I told my mom I would no longer watch her animals when she went on a trip. At the time, she had a parrot. I don’t like birds. They are messy. Plus, this parrot would bite, and I had little kids.

A big reason for me saying this was that I don’t like birds, but it was also because my mom travels a LOT, so I ended up watching her animals a LOT. In fact, two of her animals are buried in my backyard because they died while in my care. Really, given my track record, you would think that she wouldn’t want me to watch her animals.

The big thing you need to know about my mom is that she is almost never home. She travels a lot. She goes on trips, and she goes to her boyfriend’s house, and she goes to see friends. Many of her travels are not pet-friendly, which means she can’t take her pet with her.

I watched her animals for a very long time while she traveled with my dad, and again when my dad became sick and she stayed with him, and after my dad died when she traveled. In the beginning, it was easy to do. Her animals were familiar to me because I had lived with them before moving in with Steve.

I have even driven to her home when her dog was hit by a car in order to bury it for her. For another dog, I took it to the vet for her when it needed to be put down. (Again, I don’t understand WHY she thinks I’d be a good person to watch her dog — I just admitted to being associated with the death of four of her dogs.)

But when she was down to just the bird, I let her know that I couldn’t watch her animals any more. She traveled too much, and it was too hard for me. Mom didn’t want to give up traveling, so she found a new home for the bird.

She went animal free for quite a while, and it was nice. Once in a while, she would talk about getting an animal. Whenever I heard her say anything like that, I would remind her that I would NOT watch the animal for her.

A couple of years ago, she bought a puppy. It is actually the brother of one of my dogs. Before she bought him, I reminded her of how much she travels and that I wasn’t watching her animals. When she bought it, I told her “I am not watching your dog for you.” I stuck to that for a long time, and I wish I’d never made an exception, but it is HARD to say no to your parent.

When my mom stays with us, she brings her dog, and it stays in our garage. Her dog and my dog together are obnoxious, and they don’t stop or tire.

Then last summer, Steve and I both had to be gone at the same time, so I asked my mom to watch my kids. The day I picked up my kids, my mom asked me to watch her dog. (She plays dirty.) Reluctantly, I said yes.

And when my husband found out, I was in trouble. He doesn’t want me to dog sit for anyone. For one, he is allergic to both cats and dogs. We used to own cats, but we don’t any more. We do have dogs, but my husband also has allergy medicine that helps. Plus, my husband and I have both agreed to say no to any more dogs.

I can’t remember if I’ve given in any other times. I think I might have during a time my husband was gone. (He still wasn’t happy.) But, for the most part, when my mom asks, I say no.

And even though I know I told her before she even had the dog, I still end up feeling guilty. She works hard to make me feel guilty too.

BUT I don’t want to watch her dog. I don’t want to watch anyone’s dog. And this isn’t news to her or my siblings. I have been very clear about this.

I own dogs. I have three of them. I don’t ask anyone to watch them for me. I don’t travel a lot, and when I do travel, I stay close to home so I can still care for my own animals OR I take them with me. I know how hard it is to travel with pets, which is one reason I don’t travel a lot.

I need to figure out, however, how to stop feeling guilty about saying no.