Every Mom gets THE question at some point. No, not the sex question. I’m talking about “Who do you love more? Me or my sister?” The standard answer, of course, is “I don’t have a favorite. I love you both the same.”
The answer may be the standard, but it isn’t a good answer. Loving your children exactly the same way and the same amount is impossible. It can’t be done and it shouldn’t be done.
Children, even when they are twins and have lived every day in the same house doing the same things and exposed to the same stimulants, are different. One loves jelly and the other loves peanut butter. The important thing to remember is each child is an individual despite temptations to lump them all together. In terms of the parent’s time and energy, it would be so much easier to take three girls to one ballet class instead of one to karate, one to cheerleading and the other to ballet. Easier yes, but at least one of the girls would rather be somewhere else doing something else.
Foster Individuality
As the mother of three girls, my children are often referred to as “the girls.” It wasn’t too much of a problem until my youngest child was born. He’s over a year old and my children, all four of them, are still called “the girls” by some family members. Fortunately my son is still too young to be offended and I am working hard to change it to at least “the kids.”
Referring to your children by their names rather than a group designation can be an important step in helping them foster a sense of self and individuality. Be sure to talk to teachers who have taught older siblings. Make it clear to the teacher to refrain from comparing the siblings.
“Each of my four boys have different interests,” says Carrie Smith. “One is very artistic and creative, so we’re always buying new markers and pencils for him. At least two of the others are more athletic, and they play the sports. My creative one is offered the opportunity to play, and he says he will at first, but then he backs out. That’s OK. When and if he feels comfortable, he’ll play.”
The Question
The teen years are a time of extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem. These feelings can cause a teen or pre-teen to question a parent’s loyalty and love. “This has come up often,” Debbie Joubert said, “especially with the older children.” Joubert has three children ages 10, 8 and 3.
Judith Turner, the mother of six children says, “I think I can truthfully say I don’t have a favorite child. I love them all, of course. On the other hand, I do relate better to some of my children than others. You could say we have more similar personality traits and interests. And yes, there is one child who is more like me than the others so I feel that I understand him more.”
A Good Answer
The doctrine of “eachmost” should be your guide to handling this situation, according to Dr. Carol Maxym, author of Teens in Turmoil. She started putting the doctrine to work shortly after her second daughter was born when her oldest daughter overheard her calling the new baby, “My Dearest.”
Immediately, Maxym was challenged. How can the new baby be her dearest? Maxym explained each of her daughters were dearest.
“I love each of you most. Grammatically, it doesn’t work, but as a parent it makes sense,” said Maxym. She suggests parents work to help their children develop a deep sense of being an unique self in context of all of the other unique selfs marching around the world.
Avoid Comparisons
“Kids are very good in suckering parents into the comparative, but we don’t have to go there,” said Maxym.
Margie Senechal of Washington, works hard to avoid comparing her two daughters, ages 13 and 10. She recalls her oldest daughter tried to get out of doing dishes by asking why her younger sibling didn’t have to do them. Rather than comparing them, Senechal pointed out the relevant facts.
“Well, when she was doing dishes, she asked, ‘Why doesn’t Jordan have to do chores?’” Senechal recalls. Rather than going on the defensive, Senechal stuck to the facts. She ended her oldest daughter’s challenge with the following simple exchange:
“How old are you?”
“Twelve.”
“And how old were you when you started doing dishes?”
“Twelve.”
“And how old is your sister?”
“Nine.”
“End of discussion,” Senechal said. “She realized it wasn’t because I was playing favorites, but because she was older. We’ve let her know, while she has more responsibilities, she also has more privledges.”
Meri Wallace, author of Birth Order Blues and a child and family therapist for 18 years, agrees Senechal’s approach was appropriate.
“You don’t always have to be even handed,” Wallace says. “It’s important you explain this is happening because of this.
“Talking to a child is really, really important,” Wallace said. “It makes them feel like a valued individual. There isn’t a child that doesn’t need it.”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Super Sibling!
There are circumstances that cause families to focus consistently on one child more than the others. A star athlete, gifted student or a handicapped child can change the dynamics in a family and make it even harder for parents to recognize the other siblings achievements.
“My biggest struggle is that my oldest child is handicapped, so it is easier to see that she needs PT, swimming, special gym class, etc.,” Turner said. “The next oldest child is extraordinarily gifted, and sometimes the temptation is to think that he can cope just fine instead of recognizing that he has special needs for stimulation as well.”
How does Turner recognize the needs of each of her six children? “I try to spend time alone with each child. We take turns who gets to go along on errands, and who gets to pick things we eat, or books at reading time,” Turner says.
Lili Le Clerc, a mother of five children ages 10 months to 11 years, recently took a parenting course. “I think the best thing I took away from that course was simple — don’t treat your children equally, treat them uniquely.”
