The countdown has begun. My oldest child has started counting the time until she is 18 and able to move away. Or more specifically, move out of her mother”s control. Because her mother has these unreasonable rules and demands. Obviously her mother doesn”t realize that in just three short years, she will be 18, a high school graduate and able to move out of her parents” home.

The other day, the daughter and I had an argument. And the daughter was sent to bed. Her dad went up to her later, and she let him know she plans to move out in just three years.

And in 3 years, she will probably be ready to move out, but she won”t have to move out. But the problem is that she thinks three years means now. She is practically an adult, right?

In the first three years of my daughter”s life, I counted her age by months not years. There was so much about her that changed month to month that it wasn”t enough to say she was 1 or 2. I had to say she was 16 months or 25 months because those ages were so different from the month before and after them.

Next month she will be 15, and I realize she is at another one of those fast changing moments. She is 179 months. And over the next 37 months, she will be changing so much that I feel like I should be stating her age in months again.

The problem is that when she was 6 months, she had no idea what 36 months would be like, but at 179 months, she thinks she knows what 216 months will be like, and she wants to fast forward and claim it all here and now at 170 months. Why wait?

I know because I”ve been through it that the changes she will go through in the next 37 months are going to be just as transforming as the months between 6 and 36 were, but she can”t see that yet. And to me, allowing her to do some of the things she expects me to allow feels like demanding a 6-month-old baby behave like a 36-month old toddler.

She is practically 15. And I keep making her life miserable. For instance, I wouldn”t let her hang out after school with her boyfriend. She doesn”t understand why I have objections to her just hanging out with boys. And I try to let her know that I don”t let her just hang out with girls in town either, but she thinks it is a boy thing. I just don”t think it is a good idea for teenagers without money and with lots of time to just “hang out.”

And it is me, not her father, who won”t let her do these things. Or at least, she sees it that way. Even though her dad and I discuss and agree with almost everything, and some things, I even defer to him (like the decision about driver”s training), she thinks I am running the show and preventing her from doing things.

I won”t let her date. When she has a school dance, I volunteer. If she wants to go to the movies, I say she has to be dropped off and picked up by her parents, and we might stay for the movie too.

Because she is 14.

The biggest problem for her lately is that we did not sign her up for driver”s training. She qualifies for driver”s ed when she turned 14 years and 8 months. She believes she should be signed up, and we said no. This screws up her schedule. She has planned out those next three years. She imagines herself driving to school. She pictures having her own car or driving her dad”s truck.

The reasons we said no are numerous, and not all of them had to do with her. One of the biggest reasons was timing — the class is before school for four days a week, and I believe for six weeks. Before school means 6:45 to 7:50 a.m., and someone would have to take her there. This means I would have to leave home at 6:15 a.m. every morning and drive in a direction that is opposite of where I work. It also means that the other three children would either get ready for school without a parent at home, or would also have to leave home at 6:15 a.m., almost 2 hours before they actually have to be at school.

Several months ago, all three of us (the 14-year-old, me, and her dad) agreed she would not take driver”s training in April. It was reasoned out, and we all agreed. But the day before the class began, the 14-year-old brought home paperwork and begged to go. All of her friends would be taking the class. She needed to go.

She will be 15 next month. And sometime in this next year, we will probably allow her to take driver”s training. But she isn”t ready to drive on her own yet. And I”m not ready to make sacrifices that disrupt the rest of the family so much.

I know she will be 18 in 3 years and 1 month, but she isn”t there yet. And between now and then, there is still a lot of growing up to do even if she doesn”t yet realize it for herself.

But yes, over the next three years, she will start to do more and more things that she can”t do now. But those things aren”t given automatically, and some might not be given at all but earned instead.

***

While driving the daughter and a friend the other day, I learned I am not alone in my suffering. The daughter and the friend were talking about driving to school, and my daughter was offering to give rides to the friend, and she was refusing to allow her siblings to ride with her.

I was a bit amazed at the intricacy of her plans since she has not yet taken a driver”s ed class, passed it, passed the state test, and I wondered about what she thought she might be driving. I decided to interject a bit, and I mentioned that even after she gets her license, she might not be driving to school.

That”s when the friend spoke up and offered to drive my daughter to school. Someone has given the friend her first car. The friend is also 14, and she declared she would be driving to school even without her parents” permission because IT. IS. HER. CAR.

And I laughed and asked her who she thought would be paying for the insurance for her car. And this is just a tiny part of the growing up that will happen the next three years — when the dreams collide with the reality of life — and having a car becomes something that involves buying gas and insurance and maintenance….